Springing Offspring.

Yesterday, the boyfriend and I drove to his hometown to run a few errands. While we were in town, we met up with his moms and aunt at the local Sonic. We sat outside with our Route 44's and enjoyed the weather, the company and the conversation. Somehow we got on the topic of my boyfriend's ADHD, and I commented about how I'm a hilarious mess without my ADD meds.

Without hesitation his mom commented, "Any offspring of y'all's will definitely be springing."

I could feel my heart rate steadily increasing until I thought it was going to beat right out of my chest and land on the table in front of us. Did she just say something about her "future grandchildren"? Does this mean she likes me that much that she just might see me as the one for her son? Does this mean I have her blessing? Kids? What kids? I'm not even sure I want them. Oh, I think I'm going to pass out. Yep, it's getting blurry. Quick, say nothing and just drink your cherry Dr. Pepper.

Thankfully, the topic was lost in other conversation, but I still couldn't shake it. When my beau and I left, we headed to the mall. Apparently, he was just as uncomfortable with her comment as I was. Wow. We really are on the same page...thank God! But I did have to express how it made me feel like she truly accepted me.

Upon saying this, he turned, looked at me like I had 8 arms, and in a you-should-know-better tone said, "Yeah. She likes you, [her s.o.] likes you and my aunt likes you."

"Oh," was all I could think of. I think it goes beyond like. Because she's saying she'd be okay with kids, which means she'd be okay with marriage, which means etc. Its all getting fuzzy again.

-Gray

Sleep vs. Sex

All of us have some sort of excess baggage, even if we hide it from the world. I guess you could say I'm the lady at the airport whose bag suddenly breaks and my bras and panties are flung into every direction, possibly poking someone's eye out. There's not much I keep for myself, and if you know me, you are familiar with my openness.

[My real father/sperm-donor was extremely unfaithful, so I grew up in a household that was none too happy. There were certain signs I picked up on at a young age. These cues have always led me to the correct answer. I have more than once walked in on my boyfriend with another girl, or somehow found out about them cheating on me. You would think this would make me wary of all men, but it doesn't. I know they are not all like the jerk who I owe part of my DNA to. I trust willingly, because I would like to be trusted as well.]

Situation:

Last night, my boyfriend was extremely exhausted from work and wanted nothing more than a shower, food and sleep. So I was somewhat distraught when he didn't want sex.

"Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished?, " my mind was reeling trying to figure out what the hell I could have done.

Then, I thought, "Why am I making this about me? Maybe it's about him."

As much the devil on my left shoulder told me "He's cheating", I knew better. To satisfy my red friend and his poker, I googled "why men don't want sex". The top 10 reasons appeared on my screen, including Stress and Sleep Deprivation. And with that, I was reassured. So this morning, as we were getting ready for work I told him what I did. He was fine with it. I never once accused him of anything nor did I insinuate that he was doing anything wrong. He replied, "Yeah, I was so tired."

The lesson here:
In my mind: "Something must be wrong."
In his mind: "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

They are much more simple than women like to think.

-Gray

Men vs. Women

My current relationship, as I have said before, is nothing like any courtships of the past. I know that nothing in its entirety is perfect, but I really question if its impossible for two people to be a perfect match. Previously, I had thought that it was more a matter of trust and respect alone, but now I am starting to see that it can be both.

One of my neighbors is going through the process of becoming certified to teach. In one of her meetings, she was given a list of attributes which she had to rate herself. It ended up identifying her as a color. She's an "orange".

She came right over and told me that she swears I'm a "green" and that my boyfriend must be an "orange" and we just HAD to take this test. So we did. To my surprise, the results were just as she predicted. It even pinpointed our qualities, likes and dislikes pretty well.

In reviewing each of our "needs for relationships" we were both somewhat stunned at the accuracy it provided and how we incidentally gave the other exactly what we needed most of the time. It would have been much easier had we taken this "quiz" earlier in our relationship as some of those "needs" were discovered through trial and error. For example...the fact that I am very independent and I feel defeated if I cannot figure something out by myself. Trying to help before I ask for assistance...not a good idea. This is a quality that my boyfriend likes, most times. But I still found it interesting how this activity accurately pointed out how well we seem to complement each other.

As I said before, nothing is perfect. And when it's not, I go back to a few simple, but proven rules.

1. Men and Women think completely differently! Nothing will ever change this. Women unintentionally complicate matters because we are used to analyzing every detail of our own thoughts. Men...they just state what they think and what they mean. So if he didn't say it, don't blame him, clarify it, or harp on it. He said what he was thinking and probably was too busy trying to figure out how to make a jet-pack for himself using only household products. Don't get me wrong. The minds of men can be both in the moment as well, or both. They are capable of this! Just calm down, don't analyze it, and if it seems mean, take it with a grain of salt.

2. If he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't be. At least that goes for any upstanding man in this lifetime. He's not going to waste his time being with someone he doesn't want to be around when there's a (female:male) 10:1 ratio.

3. You have to be two separate people. It doesn't matter if you've been together since you were 3 yrs old. You will need time apart: time for you alone and time for your friends and family without him. Otherwise you become one person and leave yourself behind. If he wanted to be in a relationship with himself, he wouldn't waste time with complications of a woman.

4. Respect goes much farther than you can imagine. I respect his needs as much as I can, although there are a few times where I can blame my stupid hormones! I definitely suggest looking up the definition of respect. Because of our respect for one another, we have a relationship that has minimal stress and drama, like almost non-existent.

I love the fact that I can be exactly who I am, even if I'm still figuring that out for myself. I can honestly say this is the most genuine relationship I have ever been in, and it is so much easier with this man. We have our ups and downs, but he knows when he's wrong [and will admit it and apologize] and I can usually figure out that my hormones are out of whack [tell him I'm sorry for being all "girl" on him]. Still, its the easiest and most joyful courtship of mine to date.

You know what thrills my boyfriend...

1. When I buy his favorite spinach dip from the store, even though it costs twice as much as the others.

2. When I text message him saying "Hey babe, UFC starts at 6pm, St. Pierre vs. Hughes. Muah." [He watches UFC, I have little interest in it.]

3. When he's stressed about where to go or what to do, I tell him the truth. "I don't care what we do, as long as I'm with you." I think he's finally catching on. [But we are one of those couples that can sit at home and have just as good a time as going out, maybe better.]

4. When something is very important to him, and I treat it as such. You may not understand or enjoy it, but he probably doesn't understand eyelash curlers. [I have been fortunate enough that most our interests are similar.]


The fun and silly things are the most entertaining. Learn to enjoy the moments. The things that we have shared with each other are precious and extremely valuable to me. When I need a laugh, I can think of something he told me, and my day takes a turn for the better.

Being able to see the big picture means that you don't blow things out of proportion and can see past the argument. Take it from me, I've been there more than I like to admit.

-Gray

Exes and Ohs.

I have an account on a popular social networking website that displays my relationship status along with the name of my boyfriend and a link to his page. I have updated my "status" bar many times to say how happy/lucky I am to have such a wonderful man in my life. And I truly am.

So now, I have almost everything I want at this stage in my life. I graduated from nursing school late last year and have begun my career. I live in a great apartment community with great neighbors and friends, my friends and family are fun to be around and usually very supportive, and the amazing man I am fortunate to call my boyfriend.

Thus, you can probably understand why I find it absolutely hilarious when an ex contacts me these days. Four of them have contacted me.
____________________________________________________________________
1. Occupational Paramedic

The first one "friend requested" me early last month on the aforementioned website.

My thoughts:

1. First of all, I haven't heard from you in months.
2. Are you freaking crazy? Oh wait, you are. Hmph.
3. Even though I could have been a good sport about it, I find no reason to be "friends" with someone I am not actually friends with.
4. Absolutely not.

Therefore, I said no and wrote an email just in case his dog had died, our mutual friends needed help or whatever.

"What do you want?" was all it said.

In response, he sent me an email stating "Just wanted to say hi thought we could be civil."

Oh, Thats's the wrong answer buddy!

After speaking to one of our mutual friends [even though she really doesn't like him, she's just dating his ex-roommate], informed me of his true motives. He wanted to let me know he was dating someone new.

My thoughts:
1. Wow. And you think I care?
2. How stupid is she? [yes I was stupid too, but now I know better]
3. We need to tell this girl to run as fast as she can.
4. I hope he's happy. [I know I am.]

With this in mind, I responded only to his email and not his motive.

"I thought so too, but you have no respect for anyone else. So please, leave me alone."

And then....VICTORY! I haven't heard from him since.
____________________________________________________________________
2. Stuck at Best-Buy

The second is a decent guy, but is just not ready to date one person...despite what he tells you. He is just one of those people who isn't really happy with where he is in life, but isn't doing anything to change it either. For Pete's sake, I had to help him pick out what color to paint his kitchen! Is that so hard? Really?

The aforementioned website involved yet again. He sends me instant messages which seem very innocent at first. Just the usual "hey", "how are you", "liking your job" type of things.

I got suspicious when he started saying things like "nurses are hot", "are you happy now", "if i got hurt would there be a single nurse to take care of me".

Oh, really?

I reassured him that I am happy with my new beau, my job and that I did not know of any single nurses. I further replied that nurses are usually taken because generally, we have good hearts [or we wouldn't be doing what we do] and people know our worth. Yes, this was a stab at the you-should-have-treated-me-better- but-it's-okay-because-you-regret-it-now place inside him.

I do not mind being an acquaintance of his, but we keep our conversations short and to the point now. VICTORY again!!
____________________________________________________________________
3. Fireman

This is a guy I went to high school with and despite his small stature, I had a crush on for a while. We started dating and everything was going fine for a while. But then...he stood me up on my birthday, which followed with some other random drama that I honestly can't remember.

For the past few months, he's been dating a beautiful lady and seemed very happy. So I have been extremely happy for him. I was hoping this was THE girl for him. He's a good guy, but just does stupid guy things. Don't get me wrong...we figured out we weren't good together, but we can still be friends at a distance. No phone calls or texts...just an occasional hello through...you guessed it...the social networking website.

We talked about hanging out and I said it would be great to go on a double date. Unfortunately, he and his girlfriend had broken up the night before and the was on the aforementioned website to update his status. Oops.

But then it hit me...is he striking up a conversation with me because he's single now?
Ha ha. I can't believe this. He tells me that he's going out tonight with some of our mutual friends and that I am invited, then adds in a few minutes later that my boyfriend is too. Why is it that he even thought I would go without my beau? What is he thinking?

[Don't get the wrong impression. My boyfriend holds no limitations on what I can and cannot do, other than the normal committed issues. He knows I would NEVER do anything to put our relationship in any type of jeopardy. But he also knows that I wouldn't put him in an odd situation either.]

Double dating is one thing, but this? It just seems a little weird. So I decline. I receive a text message at 3:36 a.m. just saying "Where did you go!?" He might be wondering what I did tonight, but I'm wondering why he's drunk text messaging me. So I don't respond even though I'm wide awake.

Nearly a week later, he sees that I'm online and sends me an instant message regarding the text he sent so late. It was endearing that he said that he was worried about getting me "in trouble" with my boyfriend. I am intrigued. What exactly does he mean by this? It better not be what it sounds like! I calm down and ask him to elaborate even though I feel like punching his face through my screen.

Oh, it's a good thing I did. He states that he did not realize how late it was and was sorry because he though the boyfriend was next to me in bed and would have gotten mad. I'm actually relieved that he accepts the fact that, although not life-threatening, he made a mistake by text messaging me so late, etc.

Genuine? Maybe, maybe not...but I'll take it as VICTORY #3.
____________________________________________________________________
4. Army Ranger

This is a very tall, very lanky guy who joined the Army and became a Ranger after high school.
We had a high school relationship over 9 years ago and I hadn't seen him in a few years. One year he came home for Thanksgiving and we were hanging out at a mutual friend's house. The connection was still there so we were dating once again.

Although we were states away and sometimes couldn't talk to each other for days at a time, I was doing just fine with our long distance relationship. He told me he wanted things between us to be more serious and that he was thinking of leaving the military and coming back home. What he didn't tell me was that he was actually full of sh*t and what he really meant was "I'm going to stop calling you and in a few years I will tell you that I was on a secret mission and couldn't use my phone."

Really? Did he forget we have mutual friends who contradict this story entirely? Idiot. Honestly, I find his stupidity hilarious.

So, back to present day. I haven't really heard from or spoken to him in a few years and while I'm on the same social website, he sends me a few instant messages. They all start out friendly and then progress to "missing hanging out." WHOA BUDDY! Stop right there...dead in your tracks.

At this point, I tell him we had fun in years past, but I am a different person now and hope he is too.

He questions what I mean by this.

"Oh, well...you were a fun to hang out with, but you were also a dirt bag when it came down to it. I don't regret being friends, etc. with you, but man I'm glad we never slept together! Furthermore, I'm happy where I am right now and avoid going back home sometimes so I don't have to deal with people who are just plain drama."

No response.

I'll take it. Yes I will. VICTORY #4.
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They say the people you surround yourself with are a reflection on yourself. And I cringe when I admit I dated all four of these guys. I have changed in numerous ways since dating each of them, and think maybe they had something to do with it. If so, thanks to the exes. If not, oh well, it's another thing I can say I did by myself. Either way, I'm better off today.

-Gray

My New Love for Chlorine

My special someone is on his way into town and I couldn't be happier. I am absolutely thrilled every time I get to spend time with him, especially since he lives an hour away. All of the sudden, I receive a text message...

"You have a swim suit?"

"Think so," I respond somewhat curiously.

The wheels begin to turn....

Well, I know for a fact that we can fit somewhat comfortably in my tub, but really a swimsuit? No, that can't be it...I KNOW he can't (as in he better not) be talking about going into the pool...not only because it is cold out, but because of the thought of the skinny dippers that were in it just a few days ago...that is more of an oxymoron than you know...Yuck.

He arrives and has a little bit of work to do, so I try to keep myself entertained until he is finished.

Finally finished, he coaxes me into my sexiest bikini despite the fact that I could use some muscle toning before I ever think of wearing it again. And, yes, he wants to go to the hot tub...the one that had naked parts in it. I cringe.

"I'll sit on the side."

"Okay. Let's go. Ready?"

"Yep," I respond, but I really wanted to say was "Absolutely not. I am never getting in there. EVER!"

We make our way to the pool, unlock the gate and set our things on one of the lounge chairs. It's actually a beautiful night...and as always, I'm a sucker when I look into his sweet green eyes.

I get in thinking, "Am I going to regret this?" But as a nurse I know that the pungent smell of the chlorine means that anything that was living in this water a few days before, was definitely dead now. The warmth of the water soothes my cares away.

It's just what I needed...the warm chlorine saturated water, the beautiful sky, the cool weather, and the man of my dreams.

At this moment, life can't get much better.

-Gray

Please, I beg you.

It is so hard to know someone who means so much to me drinks and drives. This just tears me to pieces. It was not even five years ago when my life was turned completely upside-down by someone who did the same. I just wonder if I should start writing your eulogy now.
I am furious, I am sad, I am scared.

I begin to think, "Do I not mean enough? What about your family and friends?"

I have expressed my concerns more than once and desperately try not to sound like a "mother hen" each time.

When I once more say that it bothers me, you have no response. Nothing at all.

Should I just start letting you slip away a little more every day so that it doesn't hurt as much when he kill yourself or someone else? Why is it that you cannot take this seriously? Is that you are still in that invincible stage? If this is the case, let me be the first to say...I thought I was too.

And I have had to fight tooth and nail to put my life back together. And I'll be damned if I have to do it again because I came in town to surprise you and you were on your way home from the bar after drinking. I'll be damned if I stick by your side after you kill someone else or put someone through what a 19 year-old put me through. I'll be damned if you I stay and watch you tempt fate, and too often win, for at some point, fate always wins...I'll be damned if I'm left behind to say, "Yes, the guy in the coffin, that was my boyfriend."

I just wish you understood.

Until you do, I'll be hopeful and still loving you,

-Gray

Indecent Exposure

It's the middle of the night and I cannot sleep. No, this is not like any ordinary night where you're not tired enough or sleepy enough...I am plenty of both. This is a night where I can hear people partying at the pool. Generally this would not be a problem, but considering that the pool is on the other side of my building, and I can hear clearly what these fools are talking about, tonight it is.

As usual, I let this go on for an hour or so, thinking the noise will die down at some point. But I should have known, the more alcohol ingested, the louder it gets. So, I finally muster up the courage to politely ask them to keep it down.

"Hey, I'm not trying to be a b**ch, but I am trying to sleep. Could you guys turn down the volume a notch?" Okay, I admit, not the nicest, but hey, I'm exhausted.

About 5 of the 20 people apologize while the others either continue their lewd conversations or sit in silence, as if I can't see them if they aren't talking. Both the effects of the alcohol, I presume. One girl, who is in her underwear and covering her boobs with her arm comes up and introduces herself, inviting me in. I politely decline. At that moment, one guy exits the pool, beer in hand and butt naked. He walks over and tells me I should really come join the party. I politely decline again and just ask them to be a little quieter.

This was followed by, "Please don't tell on us. We would get in so much trouble. We're just having fun. You're not going to tell them (management at the apartments) are you?"

"As long as you keep it down a bit, your secret is safe with me."

I was startled when the topless girl exhibited exactly how much she had to drink. She apparently forgot that we just met, I had asked her to keep the noise down, etc. because she asked me, "Oh, are you enjoying watching?"

"What?"

"Yeah, you're just watching. Are you enjoying it?"

"Um...I just came to tell you to keep it down. I'm trying to sleep."

"Oh. Well, please don't rat us out."

What an idiot! Have you ever heard of putting yourself in a really bad situation where really bad things can happen to you? Things that will make you regret this for the rest of your life? Eh, probably not.

As I walk back to my apartment, I start thinking about the situation. These people are naked...and in the pool. There are people skinny dipping in the community pool. How disgusting is that? I am never going swimming there...thank goodness I haven't so far.

I start to get in bed and realize that I can no longer hear the screams of the naked drunken idiots...but apparently I just didn't wait long enough. Not five minutes into my slumber, I hear them again...not as loud, but still as annoying.

So I'm now faced with a dilemma. Should I call the apartment management? the cops? If I put on the TV to drown them out, I will definitely not be able to sleep. I call a friend to get some advice, but it is 3:15 a.m. and she is doing exactly what I have been trying to for a few hours now.

And if I did call, wouldn't it be funnier if the cops came instead of the people who work in the office? Oh yes. It definitely would be. I just don't have the heart to call. I can't do it. But the thought sure is funny. Just picture two cops walking up to a pool full of 20 drunk and naked people who have no where to hide. Not only that, in order to run, they would have to unlock the gate to get out. Can you imagine these drunken fools scrambling for keys and trying to unlock the gate? Seriously. I can't help but laugh hysterically for a few minutes. Eh, let them have their fun, I'm sure their hangovers will be hell to deal with in the morning.

All of the sudden, the noise stops. Curiously, I walk outside and see flashing lights. Someone else had called the cops. Are you serious? I really didn't expect anyone, including myself to ACTUALLY call the police. But I watched as the image I pictured came to life.

How's that for apartment ratings? 20 counts of indecent exposure...I'm thinking they'll have a waiting list by the end of the month.

-Gray

Team, What's That?

If you're a nurse, you know that working as a team is essential in every way. My endeavors at my current facility began with a wonderful team. Everything flowed easily and we could tell when someone needed help before they were swamped. Everyone pitched in to help each other. I thought this was a dream job....but of course, when things are running like a well oiled machine, some a**hole just has to mess with it.

So, things changed quickly. Management, in an attempt to "make things better" started making changes without talking to most of the staff members.

Here's my thoughts on that:

1. Okay, maybe I don't have a right to know what changes are going on and why they are being made, but...man, it makes me a hell of a lot more likely to be on board.

2. People that are being demoted or pulled to the sister unit feel like they are being punished for something that isn't being addressed. Even if you tell me I'm not being punished, until you tell me what's going on, I'm going to feel that way, just like anyone else who cares about their job.

3. Are you not telling me what's going on because you have no clue? Are you just working with some random mathematical matrix or are you making decisions based on performance, support and need? Without an explanation, it makes most of the staff feel like you are not only incompetent, but it makes you look like a freaking idiot who does not need to be in the position that you are in, whether or not it is the case.

So...due to these changes, most of my co-workers have been on edge to say the least. Unfortunately, we are also entering the summer season, which means that we are having our hours cut back because our census' are low. Can we add more stress to the already stressed nurses please.....ugh.

The unit I am currently on is one of the most stressful to work, no doubt. But the nurses make it so much harder on themselves. If one nurse is drowning, the rest of them watch as she goes down alone. There is NO teamwork. It seems like none of them have even heard of the word "team". So it's horrible to work a shift, if you can imagine.

I have no problem helping others even if I'm "in the weeds". But if I'm just wasting time I could be using to catch myself up, what's the point? I don't know what to do in this situation, because I refuse to become one of "those" nurses. The nurse that only watches out for herself, treats her patients like sh*t, and pretty much comes to work only to pick up a check. I am terrified that someday I could become "that" nurse. I try to do everything in my power to counteract the thoughts that I encounter that make me want to become "that" nurse, because it's the easy way out.

How can you be in the business of people and not be a team? Isn't that a preposterous idea? How can I even rebuild a team, if there was no team to start with? How do I interest selfish people to act together for the good of not only themselves, but their co-workers and MOST importantly, their patients?

Maybe I can't do this alone, but I am determined to try...for one person cannot save the world. But I'd like to be part of the team that can.

-Gray

Rude Fat Cow Nurse.

I was in a good mood, arrived to the unit early and ready to work. I set up at one of the work stations that I had planned to share with another nurse, since there were only 4 for 6 nurses. Usually I would just sit with my mobile computer in the hallway, however, I was quickly growing tired of the fact that it shut itself down without warning numerous times during the day and I would have to re-chart over and over again...Can you say unnecessary aggravation?!!! So, the nurse I was prepared to share with walks up to me and tells me to get off of her computer because it is closest to her patients. I explain my situation and tell her that I am more than willing to share with her, but she is just a rude fat cow, and apparently needs to sit there way more than I do. So I decide to be the bigger person (at first) and move back to my mobile cart. Did I also mention that the mobile cart has no phone attached to it...the workstations have their own so it makes taking calls from other departments, paging doctors, etc. much easier. (This is where I quickly became the smaller person) Everytime I had to use the phone, I would walk to the closest workstation and ask a different nurse if I could use her phone, and state I would not have had this problem if all of us were adults, etc...

Yes, I could have chosen to be the bigger person for the whole shift, but apparently I am growing fond of this standing up for myself gig.

What enraged me even more was that throughout the shift, I glanced over a few times to find the rude fat cow nurse playing games on the internet as I was charting and re-charting on my patients and asking permission to use other people's phones. Seriously, would it have killed her?

Whats more is that she recently received an award for bring the best newcomer on the floor. If these are the standards for being praised, I am never going to do right by my boss. I would rather spend my time giving exceptional care to my patients and helping my co-workers as opposed to making their lives a living hell.

But hey, that's just my take on things.

-Gray

Simple Acts, Part I

I can honestly say that I make every patient smile and treat them like the million bucks they are worth in my heart, at least. I can say that I consistently go out of my way to do the little things to brighten their day, whether they ask for it or not.

For example, I had a patient over the weekend who lost her glasses somewhere in the transfer from ICU to my floor a few days prior to my shift. [Hospital policy states that we must inform patients that he or she is "responsible for belongings kept by patient". This part of the protocol would have been completed days in advance.] During my shift, the ICU called me to inform me that the daughter of my patient had just left their unit upset because the glasses were nowhere to be found. They also stated that the patient had many visitors in their room prior to the transfer and that one of the family members "must have taken them home". Upon her arrival back to my floor, I took the time to speak to her and the patient. I explained I would do what I could to find them. I asked them to review with me with events that took place from the time they were in ICU to their stay here on my floor. The daughter said something that no one had listened to before. "She went to MRI and then came here."

HELLO!!! Patient went to MRI?!! Can't very well wear those glasses in a huge magnetic tube! So they would have taken them off, right?!?? I immediately call MRI, however, since its the weekend, its pretty much a hit or miss....and with my luck, it was two days of miss.

Its Sunday and the patient exhaustedly states, "It's okay. I have another pair at home that I can use."

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!!! [I must admit, sometimes I can be a little abrasive, in a good way.]

"Hold up! How much did they cost?"

She won't answer, thinking I'm going to pay for them myself.

I ask again. Her daughter states, "I'm not sure, but I think they were at least $220 for the frames and lenses."

"Well, if you're just going to throw money around like that, where's my cut?"

They both start laughing.

I continue. "Let me tell you something...I'm not done looking for these glasses. And if you're ready to give up that's one thing. But I'm not."

She chuckles and I can see her daughter's eyes welling up with tears...the kind of tears forming that you live for...knowing in your heart that you're doing the absolute best and most that you can for something that others would just look past, [and have so far].

I call MRI a dozen more times [seriously]. After a few hours, the phone rings and I see on the caller ID that it's from imaging. I pick up, without even identifying my unit or self.

"You got 'em?"

"Girlllll, We got 'em!"

"I'm on my way. Wait! Where the hell do I go?"

She is laughing hysterically on the other end of the phone. "Do you know where the piano is in the......"

I cut her off, "I'm coming now!' I hang up the phone and skip down the hall. I see the daughter on my way and tell her I have something for her and that I will be back in 30 seconds, no longer.

I run downstairs, go to the desk, thank them about 100 times in our brief meeting, and run back upstairs. I don't slow down until I am at the foot of my patient's bed. She is sleeping. I put the glasses on her and she wakes.

"Good Morning Sunshine...it's nice to see the world as intended, isn't it?"

"You are an angel. How did you...I can't believe it! You found them! Where were they? Thank you so much!" And she rambles on.

"All in a day's work, my dear."

Her daughter gives me a big hug and I can feel those tears that were once welling up fall to my shoulder.

I can tell that even my heart is smiling. That's the reason I do what I do. Something so simple can make the most massive impact, not only in situations like this, but in life.

I encourage you to find these simple things and act upon them, for these are the best moments life has to offer.

-Gray

Medicine and Theology

It is impossible for me to recall exactly how the topic arose, but somehow I was explaining the difference between being agnositc and atheist to some of my co-workers. Now, I am usually one to avoid such conversations in the workplace, but knew I could elaborate without ruffling any feathers, neither theirs, nor mine.

One person says, "Ok, let's start from the beginning so I can understand what you're saying."

"Genesis, then eh?"

"Yeah. Let's start there. Do you believe in Adam and Eve?"

"I don't know. What I do know is that it is terribly hard to think that two human beings, such complex machines and intricate works of art, were created from dirt."

"Graaaay! Eve was made from Adam's rib."

"Ah yes. Even more complex. How is it that even with all this stem-cell research, we can't even create a whole human, but one can be created from differentiated cells, that being Adam's rib?"

She looks at me for a while and then manages to say, "That's why I think God did it".

"Oh really...and when you were on your morning drive to work and got stuck in traffic, did God do that too? Or was it simply because as humans we are non-nocturnal beings and in order to get in a full-day's work, society has made this rule that will start our shifts at a certain time in the morning and end at a certain time in the evening?"

Have I said too much? I can see the wheels turning...ever so slowly. Honestly, I don't want anyone abandoning their religion, but I do think it wise to play "devil's advocate" every one in a while to make people, including myself, think about why they honor their beliefs.

"Ok fine. Back to Adam then. How is it he lived 930 years?"

"Oh people lived much longer in those times."

"Wrong!" I hated having to educate her and everyone who was now forming a crowd around us. "The calendar we use today...who invented it?"

"Uh...uh....I dunno."

"Julius Caesar invented the Julian Calendar in 45 B.C. Since then, it has been used. Before this date, lunar months were counted as years. So Adam would have only been 77 years and 6 months old. Doesn't that seem more plausable?"

Silence. No one can say a word. It's absolutely impossible for a hospital unit to be quiet enough to hear a pin drop, but right now, you can. The entire day and night crew are stunned in total disbelief.

"You can look it up for yourself, if you like. Knowledge is power. Peace"

And with that, I leave to make rounds on my patients, ensuring that they have not gone to see God.

-Gray

False Alarm.

There is no doubt that modern technology amazes me everyday. I am so grateful to be working in a hospital that takes advantage of crucial medical advances and uses them as they were intended. With the push of a single blue switch, I can notify the medical response team/Code Blue team, the house supervisor, and the operator of a serious event...a Code Blue. The activation of this simple creation pages every person who needs to be present in a life saving emergency. Because it sends an immediate message to the operator, he/she then pages the code overhead, for others to come as support and assistance. It is simply amazing!

I have worked in other facilites that have the switch, but do not have it set up to do any of the aforementioned. Crazy, right? It makes me wonder what the point of having the technology is...seeing that it is not implemented correctly.

You can imagine what happens when the switch gets pushed...even if the housekeepers accidently activate it. This was what happened to me today.

I had discharged a patient and nearly an hour later (as I am in the hall making rounds) I see a blue flashing light. Panic! I quickly remember there is no one in the room, but try to relay the message for someone to quickly deactivate the switch. Strangely, they are all dumbfounded, even as they stare at the indicator as it steadily blinks. No one else moves. I run down the hall to see what the heck is going on. I know I will be getting a patient soon and have not received report yet, but wonder if my new patient is in the room "coding". I fling the door open to find two housekeepers working as hard as they can. One of them is in my way and so is her cart. I try to tell her to flip the switch, but she looks at me like I'm crazy. So I push her cart out of the way and squeeze past her to do it myself. She is still looking at me like I have 3 heads.

Everyone that witnessed my mad dash is confused. I was asked many times why it was such a big deal. And then...."Attention Please! Attention Please! Code Blue [my unit] Code Blue [my unit]" And then they got it. These people were going to be pissed. I had to explain to each and every person who came to help code the imaginary patient, that it was an accident and I tried to prevent the call. Then..."Attention Please! Attention Please! Cancel Code Blue, Cancel Code Blue". Now my co-workers truly understood why I was in such a rush.

Is it strange that I was apparently the only one to know how the system works? I find that is a common occurrence. I take pride in knowing how things work and the proper procedure and protocols for each and every thing that I can. Strange, right? Well as it turns out, I'm one of the rookies who graduated only 5 months ago and have seasoned nurses asking ME how to do things. That's the strange thing.

My best advice comes from experience. Get as much of it as you can. Know all that you can about the tools and devices you operate. It WILL make your life so much easier and it will benefit your patients.

-Gray

What's In A Name?

I nearly overslept for work this morning. Well, actually I woke up a bit too early, around 3:00 a.m.. I was hungry, so I fixed something to eat and retired to the couch to take a nap around 4:30. My phone rings at 4:55. I don't answer. I know it's the house supervisor calling to tell me I had the option to stay home if I wanted. However, I only worked 2 shifts this week so far, and so, it was not really an option. I fall back asleep and somehow sleep through all 3 alarms I have set. It's now 6:45. S**T! I gotta get to work! I get dressed, grab my things and am out the door by 6:50. I walk to the unit at a much faster pace than normal. Upon my arrival, I set everything up and prepare to get report. Only I can see the nurse giving report to someone else. I stop her and ask why the other nurse is taking my patients and explain that I must work today. The nurse taking report tells me her name, which has the same odd spelling as mine. What are the chances? We get the charge nurse involved who backs me as I am a full-time employee, and the other me is not. This enrages her and we end up getting the house supervisor involved. To her dismay and my delight, I get to stay, and she has to go home. I felt bad, but it was MY name (first and last) on the schedule. To make things worse, the night nurse turns to me, with the infuriated nurse standing at her side and says in a very peppy cheerleader voice, "Ok. Ready to take report?" Why couldn't she have waited a few minutes? This was like adding salt to the wounds of the nurse whose pain I felt yesterday.

I have a pretty steady shift, which is quite unusual for the type of patients I have. But hey, I'm not complaining!

So I have some time to think...and my mind wanders for a while. It suddenly stops on the idea of personalizing my license plate. [Backstory: After my wreck (see profile), I just knew God was going to send me a sign through my new license plate. When it arrived, the three letters were "MUD". And ever since, my family has endearingly called me "Mud". ] Do I really want this on my license plate or am I doing it to please my family? I enjoy the nickname, but do I really want to be "Mud" for the rest of my life? And do I like it so much that I want to create a reason for more people to call me by it? Will it change me more than it already has? Whether I like it or not, people see me as "Mud" and I have somewhat embodied this name.

So the question remains...What should I do? On one hand, it reminds me of how lucky I am to be alive. On the other, it reminds me that a drunk driver stripped me of many things and how hard I had to fight to get my world right-side up again. Do I really want to remember that struggle every single day?

Yes. In some form or another, I do want to remember it. It is what makes me thankful for the life I have today, how hard I worked for it, and that I will not let myself down. I defied all odds then, and I still have the ability to do so. I don't have to rehash all the details, I can simply accept it. And I will do just that.

-Gray

Seriously?

Its 5:30 in the morning and my alarm is making that horrifying sound. Must...get...up...for...work. Ugh. I hit the snooze. At 5:45, it starts again. I finally roll off the couch, where I slept last night, and start my morning routine. I feel like I'm in moving in slow-motion, and I'd much rather be back on the couch or in bed. I'm exhausted, but duty calls. I finally leave at 6:30 and make it to work by 6:38 only to find that my schedule has been changed. My boss must have figured out that I would have hit overtime...so now, it's 6:46 and I have the day off. Why couldn't someone have called or notified me sooner?

I'm not sure at this point whether to be mad or happy to go back to my retreat and snooze for the rest of the day. Hmmm....I leave work and head back to my apartment. On the way home, I pick up the local newspaper and the USA Today...for the 3 crossword puzzles inside. Of course, this means that I will not be going back to sleep immediately. My obsession with these puzzles is nearly ridiculous. I relax on my porch with all the essentials: Dr. Pepper, pack of cigarettes, newspapers and a pen.

Four hours later, I go inside and sit on the couch. But now I'm not tired...I have a few errands to run, so maybe I'll take a nap when I get back. I begin my trek by going to the local drug store to drop off my prescriptions at the drive-thru window. But then have to go inside because I have a disposable camera to drop off as well. I'm told both will be ready in about 30 minutes but decide not to wait. I drive to the dealership to pick up my new license plate. Half way there, my cell phone rings and I don't recognize the number. I answer it anyway. It's the photo guy at the drugstore telling me it may be a "while" for my pictures because the machine is broken. Photo guy tells me that someone will call me and let me know when my photos are ready for pick-up. I thank him and hangup the phone. I continue my journey to the dealership, pick up my new tag from the evil switchboard operator, and I am on my way back home. Unfortunately, I get behind a Chevy "alibu" whose driver, I swear, never took any kind of driving test, if she even has a license. I seriously doubt it. And although I keep thinking..."Hmmm, I could seriously just run her over in my truck and the cop in the other lane would probably not even notice...", I don't. I take a few cleansing breaths, and remind myself that I can't do a thing about it, roll up my windows and sing to the songs blaring on the radio all the way home.

I finally take a nap.

And I am awoken a few hours later by text messages and phone calls...

So I get up and to to the local drugstore to pick up my prescriptions and check on my photos. At the pharmacy, only one of my prescriptions is filled. [Mind you, this is nearly 7 hours later] I ask why and the pharmacist tells me that she does not have the generic for my other medication because its brand new, and she won't have it until Monday. Um, Hello, Its Friday...She can sense I'm irritated and confused as to why it took 7 hours to tell me this. She now decides to call other locations of this chain drugstore to see if they have the generic that I'm looking for. Smart move on her part as at this point, I could have easily ripped out her throat and handed it to her. So now, I'm waiting in the store and decide to go check the progress at the photo booth. Surprise, surprise, my pictures are ready. I'm happy they are, but wonder why no one called me, especially since on the label, Photo guy clearly wrote "CALL WHEN FINISHED". I look through them and decide to keep them all, even though I don't want a few of them. I pay for them and go back to the pharmacy counter. I purchase the prescription that was filled, and wait for an update on the other. The pharmacist tells me that the store closest to this one has the medication...but it will be a few hours before they fill it. I go back home all the while thinking about how I have to get out one more time today to fill a prescription that I had dropped off at noon. I should have just waited in the first place. Ugh. I watch TV for a few hours despite the lack of entertaining shows. No call yet about the status of the last prescription. It's 8:50 p.m. and I decide to drive to the other location, knowing if I didn't make it there before 9:00, they would close the pharmacy and this would be turned into a 2-day trek. I wait patiently at the pharmacy counter, even though I could have done something obnoxious to notify the technician of my presence. Low and behold, someone beat me to it. "Scuse you. Uh, you needs to gets over hur. I been waitin." This lady had just walked up to the counter. YOU were waiting?, my a**. So of course, the technician helps her first...and I can't blame her. I would have wanted to get rid of this uneducated fool at the first chance I could. So I wait. And wait. And wait. Then its my turn and the technician tells me that I will have to come back tomorrow for my prescription because the pharmacy is now closed. WHAT?! I don't think so! And it takes everything in me to not literally rip her face off, but I calmly explain the situation to her and she checks the bin. She grabs the bag, scans it. I pay and thank her. As I turn to walk away, I can hear her say under her breath, "What's so specific about that? That could have waited till tomorrow."

She obviously didn't think I could hear her so when I do, I stop dead in my tracks, turn around and walk back up to the counter. Once again, I remind myself that I should not resort to physical violence...oh but I will if this b**ch says something stupid.

"Excuse me, I know you think I can wait until tomorrow to pick up this prescription, but the problem is...I dropped this off at noon. Nearly 10 hours ago. And don't you guys do a 'one hour' fill time. Not only that, when my prescription could not be filled, I was not notified of any problems. If I wanted to pick up my prescription tomorrow, I would have said so when I dropped it off. But I was reassured not once, but twice, that it would be ready at 12:30. But if you want to get into specifics, I can. You obviously had to run my insurance card, which is 'specific' to the hospital that I work for. Not only that, in the computer, it 'specifically' states that I am a nurse. If you knew anything about being a nurse at this 'specific' hospital, you would know that I work 12-hour shifts. And the last thing I want to do after a 'specific' 12-hour shift is come here and deal with a 'specific' pharmacy technician telling me I can yet again wait another day because they didn't have the decency to tell me they also didn't have the 'specific' medication I needed. I did my part, dropping off my prescriptions. But its really sad that it takes 10 hours to have 2 prepackaged bottles dispensed. Seriously? They're PREPACKAGED! How much easier could it get? And you have the gall to make a comment 'under your breath'. Are you kidding me?"

She looks stunned and says nothing. I have nothing more to say, so I turn and begin walking to my truck. A sense of pride overcomes me, as most times, I would have said nothing. I finally make my way home for the last time tonight. I recant the events of the day and find the positives.

At the end of the day, these are the important things:
1. I am still living and breathing, and I did not kill anyone else for their stupidity.
2. I have my medications in time for my 3 day stretch of work, so my patients will not suffer my wrath.
3. I have the pictures I have been meaning to get developed, and they are hilarious.
4. I have my license plate for my new truck(by the way...not an "ilverado") before the temporary tag expired.
5. I had time to do things I really love...Crossword puzzles and naps!
6. I can count on one hand how many jerks and idiots I've come into contact with today.

And oddly enough, all of the events today could have been prevented or improved by the people I came across. The one common thread is respect and courtesy. I truly wonder if any of these people were patients of mine, how would they act if I did just the bear minimum.

Here's a few scenarios for you...just for some perspective:

"Oh, I'm sorry you're in pain and the pain medicine I gave you isn't working. I'll chart it instead of call the doctor for something stronger."

"Nope, you're just going to have to lay in your own feces because I don't have time to change you right now. But I'll see how long it will be before the tech can get to you."

"Sure I have time to do something extra for you that takes nearly no effort. However, that would interfere with my time to ignore your needs."

*Case in point: Never do just the bare minimum. Treat others how you would like to be treated and you will never go wrong. Additionally, you never know who your nurse may be.

-Gray